After an interesting first month back in the saddle, LPCC had a much more eventful June, and start to July. Some quality performances, big wins, wedge bar takings and five teams were the themes.
First team
So strong were the performances in June, the William Hill’s
select XI pushed up the league table from eighth to third in one month. With
form of six wins and a losing draw from seven games it’s no surprise the Park
are fighting at the top of the table, just two points behind second and four
points behind first place.
Andy Healy keeps making the headlines for some suicidal
keeping; standing up to mad Ben and crazy Craig. He also seems to be on some
sort promise from the Courier who keep publishing rather ropey photos of him in
that Hannibal mask. Some say this is worn in case Ben has one of his funny
turns. However, as first team photos go you would have to work hard to get a
worse one than this…
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A difficult game against a strong Mote team ended in a
losing draw, with consistent Craig Park making 58*. However, things were back
on track a week later, when Orpington were removed for 192 and Paul ‘Dress like
a cat burglar’ Seldon and opening partner Harvey (TOM!) made 60s whilst
knocking them off.
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A quick win against local villagers Tunbridge Wells continued
the Park march. A rather weak 55ao was all the visitors could muster at Fir
Tree Road as Craig Park and TOM Harvey took early wickets before Emerson’s best
mate Entacott again delivered with a hostile 5-15. Interviewed after the game
(around 2pm) Entacott dedicated his performance the artist Tulisa, who he said,
had been inspirational in motivating him for this match. Best in family Tom
Harvey and Paul ‘Lads on Tour’ Seldon put the rubbish in the bin for 7.4 overs
to win the game. Headlines had been made, upset achieved and twenty more points
in the bag – THANKS FOR COMING TUNBRIDGE WELLS.
The more difficult prospect of Canterbury, second in the league,
away was the next challenge for Macklemore’s Dad, John Harvey and his men.
After making 249 through TOM Harvey (43), Craig Park (44) and Filthy Clarke throwing
his weight around for a smashing 75*, LPCC then played very well to bowl out
the oppo for 139. Harvey of the Tom variety took 3-for, and Harvey of the John
variety (camp & old) did the same for just three runs to seal the victory.
This was followed up at home to Sandwich in a 19 run win with Craig (82)
getting runs (again), and specialist third man Blackberry Winegums making 55
including two top-edged maximums. Craig Park and Entacott (currently second highest
scalp taker in the division) were both in the wickets to finish off the Sandwich.
Second team
At 12-7 down at St Lawrence the second team didn’t have high
prospects for the match. Enter the Dribbler. Cobb decided attack was the only
option and in between getting a few locals pregnant he smashed his way to 92*
to turn the game on its head and post 155. With knowledge that anything was
possible the seconds then executed a disciplined and effective bowling display
to dismantle the home side and leave them eight runs short on 147ao. Cobb followed
his batting display and was in no way absolutely blowing (and extremely pungent)
on his way to three wickets, along with pikey Snap Chat picture message muppet
Trigger.
A win against a strong Hartley team followed after they were
restricted by Cobb and Van Persie with three wickets each. The mess that is
Cobb then bashed 56 to win the game. Away at the Mote was a different prospect
and on a pitch that resembled the runway at terminal five the Mote amassed
241-7, rather taking a liking to Dover in the last over. Dodgy tash-man Corne
took three wickets. In reply the Park didn’t quite get going, despite some good
hitting from homesick Van Mastermind and chopper Chewbaxter.
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| "How many runs did Byron get?" |
Bouncing back to form the next week against our friends from
Catford & Cyphers was the way to go. The Catford bunch somehow got to 172-9
with Cobb and supplement king Gasking taking three each. During the innings
brain of the year Van Pletzen decided he didn’t fancy bowling but thought head-butting
a concrete post would be a better option. Surprisingly he lost, and spent the
rest of the innings in the pavilion making use of the nursery toys. In reply
happy-go-lucky Kevin Anson made 40 and crab man Tom Corner hit 55. Away to
league leaders Beckenham the following week saw the home side make 218-4 after
some sponging so serious that Jerome has been headhunted as a pinch hitter. With an ability to drop catches as regularly
as Anthony Leigh drops grammar on Facebook posts the Park didn’t help
themselves. The reply was solid though, with Crab Man making another 50, his
younger brother and hardest in family Dan Corner making a useful 37 and window
licker Chewbaxter knocking 36 in smears.
Third team
It was a mixed bag in
June/July to date for the third team, with one win, four draws and two losses.
At home against Waldron overseas stumper Brian Lane made 53 in the Park’s total
of 152ao. Waldron achieved the target with three wickets in hand despite the
best efforts of Frankenstein Will Putt (5-40). Making 203 against Willingdon
after a bruising 97 from Ross Kemp fan Dan ‘Come here and say that’ Corner and
38 from sinister skipper Snakey. However, the last wicket proved just out of
reach, even after some stern (but considered) words from local aristocrat
Milky. The shoe was on the other foot the following week when Bells Yew Green
made 202 (Putty Man 3-for) which was just out of the Park’s grasp as they
finished with a draw, just nine runs short – DC managed to notch up another
half century in between offering the opposition to meet him in the car park
after the game. It was a lucky escape in some ways, given the last man due in was
meathead Gibson, straight out of rehab.
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Away at Hastings saw
a similar story, the Park making just 146ao in their innings with Facebook
troll Anthony Leigh hitting 45 and Charlie Dimmock 35. Lanky Lurch and
Tupperware Waterfield took three each in reducing Hastings to 92-9 but again
the last wicket remained intact to give the Park a draw when surely a win was
deserved. LPCC were so desperate for wickets they turned to Cam’s Dad Rob to
have a trundle (he did take one!) Gibson got a bowl too. Much more strategic
and thoughtful skippering saw the Park take full points against Fletching in
their only win of the season to date – when the opposition didn’t turn up. Following
this bonus ball, a loss against Denton broke the bubble and only Cam’s Dad
offered any resistance (64) as the Park were outplayed. Iden made their way to
210-6 at the Hawkenbury Oval and it proved a few too many, even with consistent
performers Dan Corner (56) and Rob MacGregor (41) making some runs, as the
thirds, with the help of feral man Elliott Wild held on for a draw. LPCC are
now eighth in the league and will need a few results to climb out of the bottom
three.
Fourth team
The fourth team are
winning as consistently as the skipper gets thrown out of Sankey’s on a
Saturday night. Five games since the start of June and five big wins. The first
of these was delivered against second biggest club in the town, Tunbridge Wells
Borderers, when the Park knocked off the 181 (Mike Taylor 3-for) set with the agreeable
Anthony Leigh making 54 and Jerome Hayes unfortunately deciding to make 31 (the
win was achieved regardless). Rottingdean were the next victims for Community
Support Officer Champion’s team and they may have thought they were in with a
shout after totalling 211-6 declared, Speer senior (the one with silver hair)
took 3-for. They were wrong. About as wrong as Bells Yew Green were when they
predicated Gibson to have a future in the game. Dad of LPCC’s future Andrew
Corner made 36 before estranged chodster Mike Brown bullied some teenagers on
his way to a choking 94. This proved enough as the Park won by a commanding six
wickets.
Mayfield struck up
202-2 off their 50 overs but their selfish batting was punished when Andrew
Corner, ably supported by the top order, made a match winning 62, resulting in
a dominating seven wicket win. Polegate were next in line and couldn’t cope
with the crafty ball control of Gripper (4-34) and the calm catching of carrot
top James Speer as they were bowled out for 108. It was a stroll in the park
for the men more used to winning than Tom Baxter’s dog when playing his owner
at chess. Jerome ‘What does he do in his spare time’ Hayes made a jug avoiding 49*
and the purple patched Andrew Corner 50*. Only one wicket was lost in this demolition
– specialist bar man Ray THE DOG Keatley, who decided he would give cricket
another go. Sadly this was a poor decision.
Making 184 away at
Forest Row thanks largely to birthday boy Mike Taylor (44), presented a target
the home side would surely have a pop at. They did, but they were never in the
hunt after Rupert Tozer claimed three and man of the match on his 82nd
birthday Mike Taylor took 4-40. This string of results means Park are topping
the table in division 9 – turn it up!
Fifth team
Being the biggest
club in town means LPCC now regularly puts out a fifth team. Marvellous effort
that. In their first game against Seaford ex-Chair Dave ‘put it on the tab’
Thomas made 60, after a strong effort from the top order including 49 from Adam
Champion and 39 from Ed ‘yoyo’ Burgess. The Burgess took 3-for as Seaford held
on for a draw. The next match proved more of a challenge as Withyham put
together a score of 212ao. Youngster Roy Hyde took three with his wheels and
was supported by Gareth ‘LAD’ Thomas and Ali Naeem. Andrew Marshall returned
with a customary 57*and big fish Dave Thomas kicked his way to 60. LPCC fell 29
runs short in the end but if your gun player, Emerson Twiddy, departs for a
globe you are always going to struggle.
Next up were The
Blackstuff, who made 186-5 after the wickets were shared around. Even Andy Loch
managed to pitch one and claim a scalp. Elliot Wild managed 28 and Narnia 37
but the Park fell for 139. Minister (Sheppey) was the next venue for the mighty
fifths. A Brian Lane cameo (48) and another 28 for the Wild one were the only
highlights in the batting department, the Park 124ao. However James ‘Don’t like
tennis now’ Corner took two wickets and then game changer Jack ‘Rodney’ Counsel
joined the party and tore the heart out of the home team with a viscous spell
of 4-16. He was seen after the game in the bar selling some “gold” plated Casios
at the best prices. Minster were all out, 16 runs short. A great win for the
fifths.
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Rodney continued his
good form against Eastbourne the following week, this time with bat in hand (he
can sell you one too) as he made 67. Ex-chair and serial Aussie basher Dave
Thomas made 35* with the Park total 164, which was knocked off after a tense
chase in the final over. Third biggest club in Tunbridge Wells, Bells Yew
Green, watched on as the Park accumulated 215-6 through Lloyd Cook’s 69, Jason
Scroop’s 41, Oliver Bone’s 26 and ex-chair’s 43*. BYG were bowled out for 160,
thanks to the evergreen Raw Hyde (3-29) and wickets from the rest.
Sunday’s
In amongst the
development fixtures (two wins, two loses) which have been well documented by
exile Mike Brown there have been two friendly games. The first of these was
local friends Coleman’s Hatch, where skipper Ollie ‘ Victoria Sponge’ Morkel
made 124, Tom ‘Sidewinder’ Corner 101 and Sir John 52*. The target of 367 was
rather a stretch and the Hatch fell 80 runs short. Dover picked up 4-15, with
the rest shared around, including Emerson dismissing ringer Chewbaxter and
giving him a send-off. In the second game away to Premiership guns Bromley
stand in skipper Paul ‘Wordsworth’ Morkel batted first on a belter and the Park
got off to a strong start with Morkel (47), Adam Cresser (30) and then man
about town Tom Corner nailing another Sunday 50. Chewy hit 43 before predictably
being bowled with overs to spare, whilst overseas water boy Ronnie Reacharound
went for a golden globe. What a chodster. After some extreme hitting from the
Bromley overseas star (at least someone has one) resulted in a near death experience
for Hugh Turner with some local potty mouth and threatened a hasty end to the
game, Ronnie decided enough was enough and removed the gun for 88. After this
some serious pressure from Hathaway Turner the Wolverine (3-for) and wickets
for the rest, Bromley somehow fell nine runs short when man of the moment Huge
Turner (post change of trousers) claimed the last wicket with a run-out. The
last six overs produced five maidens with some proper bowling and some premier
sponging.
Midweek XI
Current Chair Gary
Wuthering Heights made a deep pocketed 49 at Rye, with Van Head-butt making 41.
Baloo Entacott took 3-8 at Bexhill and Stuart ‘Stato’ Clarke made 86 to chase
down 135. At Gravesend shrewd skipper Harvey saw something in the bowling
attack he liked (nothing to it) and opted to open up. He made a quick fire ton
to set up a platform from which village hero Dave Booth made 51*. Bowling
Gravesend out 125 runs short was Corne (5-25), supported by Silly Putty and
Winemaker. Away to the Mote, some would say skipper John Harvey might have
missed out as he globed up before Stuart ‘Have some’ Faith got 105* and Ronnie
the Rabbit edged his way to 129*. Harv made up for hit batting with 3 wickets
as LPCC secured an easy win.
A guest appearance
from over-the-hill trundler Dominic Lanaway against Aussie touring side Goodwood
proved to be insignificant. Craig ‘Runs for fun’ Park made 60, with Byron ‘Friendly
runs’ Wyngard making 44. Mike Taylor showed Lethargic Lanaway the benefits of
youth with four wickets as the tourists fell 43 runs short.
The Physio Room
Currently in residence:
Currently in residence:
·
Dover Dave – out for a few weeks with driving
fatigue
·
Mano Bellendvanis – unable to put his own shoes on
Sweet or Sour
Sweet
- LPCC obliterate Tunbridge Wells
- Fourth team in top spot and Firsts in with shout of promotion
- Ton time – Ollie Morkel, Tom Corner, Byrony Winehouse, Stuart Faith and John Harvey
- Big Benny Entacott 5-fors a plenty
- Five Saturday teams
- Corner family run machines
Sour
- Ray ‘The Dog’ Keatley lulled into semi-retirement as specialist barman by the Essex Princess
- Snakey got tickets to the final day’s play at the Ashes
- Hathaway Tuner narrowly avoiding a drive-by in Bromley
- Chewbaxter soon to reach double figures in globes
Verdict: Sweeter than Kevin Anson buying you a beer – up the
Park!
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