2012 Season of Champions

Winter 2012 - R&R

It was a successful season. A great season. An emotional season.



Division II Champions 2012



As Christmas fast approaches, what better present can there be than a winter edition of Park Life...apart from a Sankey's membership card?

First team champions



2012 saw the first XI reach the heights of Division 1 of the Kent League after being crowned champions of Division 2. This was achieved despite Stuart Clarke becoming cricket's answer to Jamie Rednapp, with a seemingly different injury every week. Despite the fact that the Chair was called up for one game (0). Despite the fact that there were more prima donnas in the team than Soho on a Saturday night. And, astonishingly, despite the fact that Andy Healy wore the gloves most of the year.

All in all a great feat. The Queen himself John Harvey is in his element now, and trying to approach Rob Key after he stepped down from the Kent captaincy was a bold but admirable move. Key was heard to be questioning if he would be comfortable with "standing down at fine leg and keeping a lid on it" for 50 overs before having to "roll out the magic" with the bat. For more information contact PR guru John 'Max Clifford' Harvey.



Kent League Dinner 2012



Second team deliver again

The club's consistent performers and all round athletes, the second XI, again secured a promotion spot to take them into division 1 of the second team league. Standing side-by-side with the first team, true potential is now being realised. Again, this is despite the fact that Will Putt played a game or two. Despite Wheely Bin Davis having some stroppy turns worthy of a pop star diva. Despite the overseas claiming playing in England was like playing on the savannah, the pitches were too big, therefore sixes were completely unachievable. And, despite the fact that  Jerome did not make the side - a poor call in many people's eyes.

The second team will of course be seeking that cherished promotion once again. Almost as much as Tom Gibson seeks to find that little bit of talent that left him a few seasons ago.

Third team fighters

The battling third XI, under the watchful leadership of mad-eye-mincer Snakey will be looking to capitalise on their experience of division 6 in the 2013 season. The bearded warrior will be telling his troops that promotion has to be the goal and with talents such as Brian 'where's he from?' Lane, Ray 'Bean' Keatley, Huge Turner and the wannabe Oxbridge scholar Milky; who can doubt this?

In a revealing bit of stat work it turns out that, unbelievably, Snakey tops the batting stats for the third team and ranks in second place in the bowling table. If this isn't motivation for some serious performances next year, I don't know what is.

Fourth team on the charge



Phil Bill's fashion icon



Inspector Morse’s side gained back-to-back promotion when they finished in third spot of Division 10. Looking forward to division 9 cricket and the chance to make it a hatrick of promotions next year are a fine crop of players, rising from the junior ranks, on this quest for silverware.

However, in addition to the youth of this side, there is the experience. So much experience in fact that some of the side pay their match fees in shillings.

The blend of the team has obviously influenced county pro Phil Bill, whose trainers this season looked like they were straight out of the latest Tinie Tempah video. Safe Phil.

 

Sunday Development side capture promotion

The Sunday Development side gained a well deserved promotion this season. This places the development side into the top tier of the Kent Sunday Development League which is a brilliant position to be in. Another personal feat in this side was Milky ending up as the leading wicket taker for division 2 - not bad considering he has no time to train given his preparations for his Oxbridge interviews are in full swing 17 years ahead of schedule.

The promotion result was secured as soon as it was announced that Catford Cyphers would be the final fixture of the season in late September - a guaranteed no-show. Not even Ronnie's mate turned up. Skipper Browny was unavailable for comment as he refuses to answer his phone during the hours of 7am-8pm as he is too busy "smashing  targets and making big calls" on the junior apprentice.

Sunday first team

2012 was also a successful year, once again, for the Sunday first team. Winning the majority of their games and always managing a silent over or two shows great maturity and talent. The highlight of the season had to be our favourite chap from Catford smashing Bush Pig windmill style into the Pantiles after the arrogant aussie bet him he couldn't.

Honeymoon Watch

A new addition to Park Life, especially for the winter edition, is Honeymoon Watch – the latest round-up of all honeymoon activity kicking off within LPCC. Quite coincidently it happens to be the honeymoon of Ray ‘Doghouse’ Keatley right now. The Dog was reported to be having a great time polishing and sweeping his hotel room as his new bride demanded higher standards of the cleaning staff, whilst she was seen sipping coconut juice on a CaribBEAN beach. He was also very pleased to leave New York with a credit card bill the size of Hayden’s last dinner after Mrs Doghouse hit the sales.

Transfer rumours

During the off season there is obviously a lot of market activity for the Manchester City of Kent league cricket. In addition to the negotiations that may or may not be taking place with the ex Kent skipper, there has been one other big summer signing being whispered about this winter. Park Life can exclusively reveal that Dan ‘Chucky’ Scott-Ham will indeed be signing for the 2013 season. This will be welcome news to many members who have demanded the club ensures the high quality talents are retained. This will be a big boost for the 2013 campaign.

There are further rumours that Tom Gibson is in talks with Sissinghurst 4^th team about a potential fifth-change slot in their attack. Talks are heard to be tricky due to Gibson not knowing where this place was.

The last potential signing being discussed in the corner of Cassidy’s most evenings is the new contract being penned with Heston Blumenthal. This move is strongly opposed in some corners with Snakey telling anyone who will listen that he could do a better tea with his eyes shut.

Farewell to overseas

A big farewell has to be said this year to a player that has moved abroad - Woody. Now residing in Edinburgh and bossing things on the pub quiz circuit, we may well see less of the Wizard this coming summer. He does expect that a few wands could be pulled and he will make some appearances out of the blue, when we least expect it.

Another farewell to our long serving and most recent overseas Jayden Hoare has to be made. The Bush Pig has been the centre of all things Park over the past few years and we owe him many thanks for the work he has done on, and more regularly, off the field. Unfortunately, due to a violation of certain probationary rules involving too much self-confidence and gangster status updates, the Kiwi all-rounder will not be gracing us next season. We wish him well with his future quests and hope that one day, he may well come up with a better line than: “Got any Australian in you?...”. Ciao for now J-dog.



"Full bunger?"

FINAL REMINDER: LPCC AGM 29/11/2012 at 8pm at the club

 

Park Life - June 2012: Turning of the tide

Bush Pig on the attack at Upchurch where he made a century

After just passing the halfway point in the season, this edition of Park Life arrives with impeccable timing, a wealth of Linden Park news and of course the highlights and low lights of the month’s activities.

It’s been a wet month but the Park have managed to sneak some results out in between the showers; something many of the members are good at.

The Real Ronnie

Byron Wynegard was tired of Cape Town. He often thought of venturing outside the city limits, but hadn’t done so since 2003 on a school field trip to the Kruger Park to hunt some game. He spent at least 25 minutes thinking of a way out. Then it dawned on him, an idea so brilliant and masterful that he had to take a five minute break from his Blackberry as he couldn’t concentrate on BBM he was so excited. He would become a celebrity chef! He had enough practice at local braais and TV had enough Pommies, French and American cooks, they needed a Safa. But he couldn’t get the recognition he needed in Cape Town, “I must go to England”, he thought to himself, then added “#*@£ing *&$%” for good measure. But how to get there, “*&#%ing pommies can’t play cricket, they need me over there!” he roared with the gusto of a lion king. After quickly wheeling out some of his usual lines to a few characters he soon had the whole job set up and before he knew it was sitting on a plane eating complimentary nut selections and sipping an orange juice heading for London. Days later and he was out on the field, “What the %&#$ are these guys up to?” he thought to himself, looking around at Tom Corner swallowing balls and Dave Waterfield giving everyone in ear shot a serious lesson in captaincy. He was where he needed to be, that’s what counted, and in between the cricket games which he serenely cruised through exerting as much effort as a slug on night nurse, he started to plan his rise to the top. He thought he would call himself the BB Chef, but opted for Cheffy B after some careful consideration. He hoped it would catch on and so quickly posted it a few hundred times on BBM. After a few weeks he had managed to spin some lines, via a translator, to some serious investors and had himself a restaurant. He decided to keep the cricket up as it amused him, telling his team mates his stories of triumphs from his younger days. The 100m in 11 seconds was his favourite. From here, Cheffy B was going to be, “bigger than Dale *&^%ing Steyn” and his official opening in London signified that…



With access to free BBM internet connection



The League Season

Crossing the halfway point in the league the first eleven had mixed some draws and a defeat with some resounding wins and are currently sitting pretty top of division two. Aiming for the inevitable showdown with the Tunbridge Wells CC mob next season, Kiwi all-rounder Jayden Hoare took time out of his busy Facebook status posting schedule and revealed to the local rag that, “I'm your typical confident and arrogant Aussie I guess” – thanks for the insight Sherlock. Wickets have been shared around the team, with Ben Entacott currently in the top ten wicket takers for the division. New recruit Vibhor Yadav, who shares Bush Pig’s passion for pointless and mundane Facebook updates, took four wickets against HSBC where Jayden once again enjoyed himself with another league century at the bank ground where he averages 834. It was his second ton in a row after achieving the feat at Upchurch, not bad for a South Sea Islander. He is also the leading run scorer in the Kent League and celebrated by taking a two hour self-shot montage for his timeline. Craig ‘one for the ladies’ Williams has chipped with a couple of half centuries. Park face third place Bromley Common next and will want another win to improve on the gap from the chasing teams.



How far could the Chair have gone?

The Second XI are currently fourth in division two after claiming three wins from their last four games, with the unfortunate abandoned game against struggling Harvel. Tom Davis was apparently swinging from the trees with excitement ahead of their next game with Sidcup, who are just a point in front in third. Travelling down to Folkestone the Park made light work of the opposition with chav celebrity Trigger taking four wickets and Ronnie making 62 (no sixes). The Chairman decided enough was enough when the scores were level and yet again kicked one onto his stumps, maybe he missed his calling...

Tom Corner’s maiden Kent League half century was the highlight in the win against Upchurch and Ronnie made another half century against Blackheath (no sixes), with Brian ‘Protein Shake’ Gasking taking six wickets. Ben Cobb has been in as much form as Trigger in a pub quiz of late, the Dribbler is currently sitting on a pair of league globes, spanning a whole three balls, and will be hoping he can make amends at the weekend and avoid the hatrick.

The third team are sitting mid-table after a mixed month and will be looking to secure some more wins in July. Snakey and Ed ‘Let’s see what he’s got upstairs’ Preston-Milkbar have both taken four wickets and there have been half centuries for Anthony ‘Pesci’ Leigh, Brian ‘Passport’ Lane and the one and only, Park Life’s favourite son, THE DOG Ray Keatley. Yes, the dog silenced the Margate critics with a serene and chanceless 52 against Waldron, causing a stir amongst the spectators who thought, surely, this man was destined for greater things. Until they turned up the next week. Next up Kev’s team face second place St Peter’s, where points will be crucial, at the Hawkenbury Oval. The man himself was too busy for a phone interview for this month’s issue, but we have been promised as soon as his membership to James May’s new celebrity clothes line has been processed he will be straight in for a chat.

The Fourth XI are currently joint top of their division! Four wins from their last five games has propelled them well into the promotion hunt and they be looking to capitalise on this in July. Milky starred in the win against Uckfield with a pocket money saving 46*, already showing Jerome is having an influence. Tom ‘Over the hill’ Gibson took five wickets against Maresfield with Mano achieving the same feat against Glynde. In the same game James Cotterill showed he can still handle himself, with four wickets and 42 runs. Tim Champion has made captaincy look easy this season and there have been sightings of The Dog Keatley coming out of the Champion mansion with a notepad covered in more ink than a Hells Angel. Fixtures involving a lot of mid-table sides await the Champion team, with some serious potential for points over the next few weeks.

One to watch

This month Milky has presented himself as one to watch, for everyone in the East Sussex leagues at least. Bowling with such hostility and the aggression of the Little Mermaid at afternoon tea, Milky was scaring the opposition so much an official investigation has been launched into the legality of “a follow through like a morning after Dominos”.

Could this be the year to receive an award of his own?

The Sunday teams have had a bad time with the weather.  They managed to fit in a win away at Three Bridges, as well as a huge tea with Byron making some more friends around the South East and hitting a half century. This was to be a memorable one as Ronnie actually managed a six, albeit with some help from the fielder who decided to throw it over from ten yards away. Tom Gibson showed why he has been selected for Mastermind with an intelligent spell of bowling on another strip. The annual game against Knockers went as the bookies expected, with many turning down bets on what was ‘a foregone conclusion’. After a year of thinking about his last mauling, brain box Ben Cobb decided to bat first with a team about as strong as a burnt matchstick. Inevitably, they folded, Cobb playing a characteristic chip shot to get out and the total easily knocked off by the Park boys, who averaged the age of 12 on the day.

The midweek renegades have had a torrid time with the weather, managing just one game over the past month. This game ended up in a loss against Bexhill, with no one having their best day. Except Andy ‘Ooh my ankle’ Healey who scored a career best 21.

Sweet or Sour

Sweet

1.       Bush Pig back-to-back centuries

2.       Ronnie in the runs

3.       First team and fourth team in the promotion spots

4.       The return of the unique Michael ‘What speed limit?’ Brown

5.       Nearly time for LPCC Festival of Cricket

Sour

1.       Ollie the Sponge finding the boundary but losing the ability to catch

2.       Ben Cobb’s blind batting

3.       First team injury gate vs Gravesend

4.       Knockers batting first

As usual, a month so sweet even Kevin Anson is smiling.

#parklife

Park Life - May 2012: Open for business

Comings and Goings

The 2012 season has seen a number of changes at the Park. An influx of new players to the first team, changes of captaincy in the thirds and fourths and the addition of a new second team overseas, Boring Wyngard. Jayden Hoare is back again as the first team genuine overseas and has proved he has been working hard over the winter with the ability to effortlessly slip back into Mac Ds body abuse and regain his place as the number one abuser.

As well as the newcomers, there is the obvious absence of one Trundler Lanaway. Missing in action since last season, the veteran Park man has apparently surfaced in the farmers and villagers’ league where even Andy Healey could score runs, but the whispers suggest this could be Emerson Twiddy moonlighting. Please note: The Dominic Lanaway sweepstake is readily available for entry – please see Paul Morkel or Jayden Hoare for more information.

Have you seen this man?

Every dog has its day

In an interesting turn of events, Ray ‘the Dog’ Keatley propelled himself into the second team for the first league game, leaving behind his fourth team leadership role so that he could globe up. Not content with that, the Dog decided to have a go in the third team, and didn’t disappoint with two league globes on the trot. Rumours have been circulated that he could do a job at the top of the order for the first team in the coming weeks.

The League Season

The first team are currently joint top of Division Two, after their first defeat to fellow promotion club Bromley Common, they have chalked up three wins in a row and are looking like strong contenders for the championship already. All this has been achieved without any practice games and the opposition teams in the league will surely be on the end of some serious cricket once the team hit some real form. Bush Pig has hit the ground running with two half centuries and should have reached a century against Dartford until he played a shot like Ben Cobb on a dance floor – simply wrong – and was bowled reversing. Craig ‘Uzi’ Williams will hopefully be providing the cheerleaders when he finally passes 50 this season, with two 40s and a 30 until now. The skipper, John ‘just give it a wax’ Harvey, took a brave 4-50 to beat Dartford but has been overshadowed in the bowling department by the pace men Mental Ben Entacott (6-27) and Normal Ben Collins (7-67). Facing Gore Court in a top of the table clash in June, the first team will be looking for a result to secure their position at number one in the league.

The second team have produced one loss, a winning draw and two wins, which leaves them third in the league after the first month of matches. Wheely Bin will be happy his lads have hit a winning streak, with performances from Trigger and the Chair with ball and bat. Blackberry Wyngard has produced the first league century of the season at the club when he made a quality 134 against Canterbury. Reach-around also produced a fine spell of medium-slow bowling to take 6-23 against Orpington. Will ‘Lurch’ Putt ensured he was not forgotten after turning up for his first league game without any trousers, then getting lost on his way home before returning to the fixture at the Park. Lurch has also introduced the Park men to his unique chat in the field and following this on, he will be publishing the “Will Putt’s guide to distinctly average encouragement” phrase book, which will be available at all good petrol stations in the Rusthall area.

The new 3rd team skipper making some big calls

After some initial confusion the third team are now happy to announce Snakey ‘Kev’ McBride as their permanent skipper. Credit must be paid to Jayden’s cousin John, who has lead this team for so long but has had to step aside to maintain his hot tub on a more regular basis. The thirds are currently second in their league after winning all three of the games that have been played so far from a possible five, owing to weather like Matt Elliott on a night out – wet. Notable performances from Mano (4-9), Pudding with a 45 and Snakey with wickets and 45 in the same game leading to suggestion that something was slipped in his tea. Anand announced his inclusion in the third team as the specialist overseas with a game changing 7-24. Snakey took some time out from his hectic schedule of rubbing beard growth cream on his face to state how pleased he was with the team morale, performance and most of all for the lack of abuse of the skipper. A big game against Blackboys who are currently just below the Park in third awaits.

The fourth team have also only played three games thus far, resulting in one loss and two wins for the team previously known as the Dog House Select. They find themselves fifth in the league, but the potential is there to progress and build on the two wins in a row. Phil Bill has been in the runs at the top of the innings and continued his run of form when he top scored for Kent over 100s midweek. Jerome Hayes produced an uncharacteristically quick 51 from 36 overs against Laughton to secure a bat second win, next man in skipper Champion having to be shaken awake before going in to bat. With a crop of good young players and some experienced old heads, the team will be pushing for the top three spots this season.

The Sunday first team, under the casual watch of Ollie 'Sponge' Morkel have only played three games, but of course have won them all. Always making a game of things, they have snatched a victory in the final over against Cowdrey, after toying with them for 40 overs and have easily seen off Catford & Cyphers and Locksbottom. This has not been without incident, notably Moaning Wyngard receiving a send-off from a young chap who looked like it may be his first season in cricket. The send-off fuelled the entertainment that followed as for each visiting wicket that fell, Byron got closer to bowling at his man, and when he couldn’t control his patience and took it out on the square leg umpire the Park knew they were in for a treat. Bowling short ones that his mate dealt with at square leg, before finally removing his off stump to win the game, the Blackberry addict had the last laugh and sent the boy on his way with some flair. Ollie Morkel has hit two half centuries, Cam ‘flick the hair’ MacGregor hit his first senior half century and the Dog Keatley even took his blindfold off and chipped in with a 44. Will Putt has been on hand to keep the lads motivated in the field.

The Midweek side have played three and won two this year, Ollie Morkel, Tom Davis and Jayden Hoare all making half centuries. Byron Vineyard made another Park century against Tenterden with 104 of the finest chipped runs (no sixes). The same match saw a dramatic win from the last ball with a Ben ‘Dribbler’ Cobb run out but also saw the darker side of cricket when Andy Healey turned up late after going for a quick ploughing match – and it went downhill from here. The ex-greengrocer patted one back to make 0 then took his fine form into the field, dropping one from Paddy Power Harvey then throwing the ball in disgust to result in overthrows. This overthrow was compounded when Michael Iwan Dafydd Tom Jones Passport Shotton chucked it straight back over the keeper for another run. John ‘no need for eyebrows’ Harvey is said to be seriously considering his selection policy for the next run of midweek games and will be presenting the ‘Andy Healey trophy for match losing efforts’ each week.

The longest Andy has held one up for

A Twenty20 match was played in May in the first round of the Kent cup and the Park saw off local lads Holmesdale in the away match. Stuart ‘Lycra’ Clarke hit 76, including five sixes to cruise to victory. Clarkey was to be interviewed after his efforts but was too busy praising the opposition. Next up the Park face the dull Tunbridge Wells in a home game promising to be a war zone. On previous form, the Park are confident of a win, and most of them have booked for all-you-can-eat-ribs at Thorins at 8.30pm.

Sweet or Sour

Sweet

1.       Byron Wyngard two centuries

2.       Ben Collins and Anand both taking seven wickets

3.       Clean sweep for the Park on Saturday 2 June

4.       Ben Entacott cleaning up Catford in one over

5.       All teams’ league positions

6.       Craig Williams bringing his support to the next home game

Sour

1.       Andy Healey midweek v Tenterden

2.       Ray the Dog three league globes

3.       Ollie Morkel’s effort at ribs night

4.       Early season weather like Tom Gibson’s chat – dull

Result: A sweet start to the season. C’mon the Park.