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| Bush Pig on the attack at Upchurch where he made a century |
After just passing the halfway point in the season, this edition of Park Life arrives with impeccable timing, a wealth of Linden Park news and of course the highlights and low lights of the month’s activities.
It’s been a wet month but the Park have managed to sneak some results out in between the showers; something many of the members are good at.
The Real Ronnie
Byron Wynegard was tired of Cape Town. He often thought of venturing outside the city limits, but hadn’t done so since 2003 on a school field trip to the Kruger Park to hunt some game. He spent at least 25 minutes thinking of a way out. Then it dawned on him, an idea so brilliant and masterful that he had to take a five minute break from his Blackberry as he couldn’t concentrate on BBM he was so excited. He would become a celebrity chef! He had enough practice at local braais and TV had enough Pommies, French and American cooks, they needed a Safa. But he couldn’t get the recognition he needed in Cape Town, “I must go to England”, he thought to himself, then added “#*@£ing *&$%” for good measure. But how to get there, “*&#%ing pommies can’t play cricket, they need me over there!” he roared with the gusto of a lion king. After quickly wheeling out some of his usual lines to a few characters he soon had the whole job set up and before he knew it was sitting on a plane eating complimentary nut selections and sipping an orange juice heading for London. Days later and he was out on the field, “What the %&#$ are these guys up to?” he thought to himself, looking around at Tom Corner swallowing balls and Dave Waterfield giving everyone in ear shot a serious lesson in captaincy. He was where he needed to be, that’s what counted, and in between the cricket games which he serenely cruised through exerting as much effort as a slug on night nurse, he started to plan his rise to the top. He thought he would call himself the BB Chef, but opted for Cheffy B after some careful consideration. He hoped it would catch on and so quickly posted it a few hundred times on BBM. After a few weeks he had managed to spin some lines, via a translator, to some serious investors and had himself a restaurant. He decided to keep the cricket up as it amused him, telling his team mates his stories of triumphs from his younger days. The 100m in 11 seconds was his favourite. From here, Cheffy B was going to be, “bigger than Dale *&^%ing Steyn” and his official opening in London signified that…
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| With access to free BBM internet connection |
The League Season
Crossing the halfway point in the league the first eleven had mixed some draws and a defeat with some resounding wins and are currently sitting pretty top of division two. Aiming for the inevitable showdown with the Tunbridge Wells CC mob next season, Kiwi all-rounder Jayden Hoare took time out of his busy Facebook status posting schedule and revealed to the local rag that, “I'm your typical confident and arrogant Aussie I guess” – thanks for the insight Sherlock. Wickets have been shared around the team, with Ben Entacott currently in the top ten wicket takers for the division. New recruit Vibhor Yadav, who shares Bush Pig’s passion for pointless and mundane Facebook updates, took four wickets against HSBC where Jayden once again enjoyed himself with another league century at the bank ground where he averages 834. It was his second ton in a row after achieving the feat at Upchurch, not bad for a South Sea Islander. He is also the leading run scorer in the Kent League and celebrated by taking a two hour self-shot montage for his timeline. Craig ‘one for the ladies’ Williams has chipped with a couple of half centuries. Park face third place Bromley Common next and will want another win to improve on the gap from the chasing teams.
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| How far could the Chair have gone? |
Tom Corner’s maiden Kent League half century was the highlight in the win against Upchurch and Ronnie made another half century against Blackheath (no sixes), with Brian ‘Protein Shake’ Gasking taking six wickets. Ben Cobb has been in as much form as Trigger in a pub quiz of late, the Dribbler is currently sitting on a pair of league globes, spanning a whole three balls, and will be hoping he can make amends at the weekend and avoid the hatrick.
The third team are sitting mid-table after a mixed month and will be looking to secure some more wins in July. Snakey and Ed ‘Let’s see what he’s got upstairs’ Preston-Milkbar have both taken four wickets and there have been half centuries for Anthony ‘Pesci’ Leigh, Brian ‘Passport’ Lane and the one and only, Park Life’s favourite son, THE DOG Ray Keatley. Yes, the dog silenced the Margate critics with a serene and chanceless 52 against Waldron, causing a stir amongst the spectators who thought, surely, this man was destined for greater things. Until they turned up the next week. Next up Kev’s team face second place St Peter’s, where points will be crucial, at the Hawkenbury Oval. The man himself was too busy for a phone interview for this month’s issue, but we have been promised as soon as his membership to James May’s new celebrity clothes line has been processed he will be straight in for a chat.
The Fourth XI are currently joint top of their division! Four wins from their last five games has propelled them well into the promotion hunt and they be looking to capitalise on this in July. Milky starred in the win against Uckfield with a pocket money saving 46*, already showing Jerome is having an influence. Tom ‘Over the hill’ Gibson took five wickets against Maresfield with Mano achieving the same feat against Glynde. In the same game James Cotterill showed he can still handle himself, with four wickets and 42 runs. Tim Champion has made captaincy look easy this season and there have been sightings of The Dog Keatley coming out of the Champion mansion with a notepad covered in more ink than a Hells Angel. Fixtures involving a lot of mid-table sides await the Champion team, with some serious potential for points over the next few weeks.
One to watch
This month Milky has presented himself as one to watch, for everyone in the East Sussex leagues at least. Bowling with such hostility and the aggression of the Little Mermaid at afternoon tea, Milky was scaring the opposition so much an official investigation has been launched into the legality of “a follow through like a morning after Dominos”.
Could this be the year to receive an award of his own?
The Sunday teams have had a bad time with the weather. They managed to fit in a win away at Three Bridges, as well as a huge tea with Byron making some more friends around the South East and hitting a half century. This was to be a memorable one as Ronnie actually managed a six, albeit with some help from the fielder who decided to throw it over from ten yards away. Tom Gibson showed why he has been selected for Mastermind with an intelligent spell of bowling on another strip. The annual game against Knockers went as the bookies expected, with many turning down bets on what was ‘a foregone conclusion’. After a year of thinking about his last mauling, brain box Ben Cobb decided to bat first with a team about as strong as a burnt matchstick. Inevitably, they folded, Cobb playing a characteristic chip shot to get out and the total easily knocked off by the Park boys, who averaged the age of 12 on the day.
The midweek renegades have had a torrid time with the weather, managing just one game over the past month. This game ended up in a loss against Bexhill, with no one having their best day. Except Andy ‘Ooh my ankle’ Healey who scored a career best 21.
Sweet or Sour
Sweet
1. Bush Pig back-to-back centuries
2. Ronnie in the runs
3. First team and fourth team in the promotion spots
4. The return of the unique Michael ‘What speed limit?’ Brown
5. Nearly time for LPCC Festival of Cricket
Sour
1. Ollie the Sponge finding the boundary but losing the ability to catch
2. Ben Cobb’s blind batting
3. First team injury gate vs Gravesend
4. Knockers batting first
As usual, a month so sweet even Kevin Anson is smiling.
#parklife
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